So Now What…

I am a 61 year old woman with many things in life to be thankful for and yet I some how manage to focus on the things I deem to be negative in my life. My brain understands that things always work out for the best but my heart hurts and I struggle to deal with these things. I don’t think I’m alone in this and so I am going to start writing this blog to put down in black and white what’s going on in my brain and heart and how I am going to move forward from where I am now.

I found 2012 to be a struggle. I do outrigger paddling and while I certainly am not the most fit person around, I am not the most unfit either. My canoe club – the Calgary Canoe Club – was hosting the World Outrigger Sprint Championships last August and I worked VERY hard to be picked to a team. I did fitness training over the winter of 2011-12, doing deep water workouts 3 to 5 times a week. I have bad knees so I can get a good cardio workout, good resistance workout and/or a good anaerobic workout without impacting my knees when I do the training in the diving tank. I took a paddling course in California to improve my skills. I have had a GREAT fear of paddling in a one-man boat, called an OC1 and have tried to face my fears since 2008. In order to try for a place on a team, I had to overcome my fears and get into an OC1 and practice. I did that. I overcame my fear. I competed at the Canadian Team time trials in Burnaby in an OC1 and while my time wasn’t great, I competed and didn’t huli (flip the boat over). I was hoping to make a 6-man team and thought I would have a chance since I had worked so hard.

Because of my age, I could paddle in any of the team categories that there were going to be at the Worlds. I have been paddling since 2007 and in a team boat that consists of 6 paddlers (OC6), I feel I blend well with other paddlers and am a good team contributor. I am older and overweight but I am a strong paddler. I was disappointed when the club coach opted to pick someone with much less outrigger experience than I had for the senior master women’s team (50 years and older) over me. I thought that since our club was hosting the event, the focus would be to get as many club members on teams as possible to give as many club members the experience on being on Team Canada as possible. That was not the case. You were eligible to paddle in two age categories – your age group and an age group below your age. Our coach opted to have people paddle in two categories rather than give other people the chance to make the team. It is always the coach’s prerogative to pick their team(s) on whatever parameters they choose – I was very disappointed that this resulted in me not making the team.

So now what?

I didn’t make the paddling team but this was a huge competition being hosted by my club so I became part of the volunteer team, being at the club to help out for days before the racing started as well as on race days. There were about 1500 participants coming from as far away as Easter Island and as close as our club. Hawaii sent over 300 participants! I met people from Australia, New Zealand, Brazil and many other places. I chose to be part of the event, even though it was in a different capacity than I had hoped.

I helped to raise the teepee that was on site and witnessed the blessing of the site and boats by both the Tsuu t’ina members of the Treaty 7 Nation, and by Kimokeo, a kupuna (elder) from Hawaii. I saw that everyone there was part of the family of paddlers and I was happy to be part of that family.

I could have let my disappointment in not making a team keep me from coming to the site, keep me from volunteering, keep me away and wallowing in my frustration but I worked through it and became a part of an incredible event. My heart still hurt a little bit from time to time but was filled with joy, enthusiasm and excitement most of the time. I would have missed out on so many interesting things if I had let myself be overwhelmed by my disappointment. I am so glad I didn’t miss out.